August 6, 2013 by Anders Ingemarson
Here we are some six months after the bipartisan immigration “reform” effort was introduced. As I said at the time, I’m leery of anything bipartisan but decided to be a good sport and consider the glass half-full as I addressed miscellaneous misconceptions about immigration. Well, it appears my initial default glass-is-half-empty gut reaction was right, because nothing meaningful seems to be coming out of Washington thanks to obstructive anti-immigrant behavior on both sides.
But instead of complaining about Washington’s unprincipled impotence, let’s listen to what my president would do about immigration. This is one presidential speech you don’t want to miss. Enjoy!
“Fellow Americans, today I’m proud to announce the launch of the ‘Welcome Home’ initiative. This initiative will realize the American vision of extending an invitation to all Americans-in-mind around the globe to come home. I think of the men and women who have had the misfortune of being born in the wrong country but who share our commitment to the fundamental truths that all men are created equal and have the individual rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
“Sadly, we have created quite a mess for ourselves at home and in our dealings with our rogue foreign enemies over the past few decades, so we won’t be able to proceed as quickly as we may have wished. But as we get the economy humming, and sort out our problems with entitlements, healthcare, education, prohibition on drugs, and terrorist threats, the ‘Welcome Home’ initiative will pick up pace. By the end of my two terms in office I expect our country to be open for business to every honest man and woman who desires to come here [frantic activity among journalists in the audience: “he’s announcing running for a second term two months into his first!”].
“The ‘Welcome Home’ initiative consists of three simple steps towards citizenship: Apply, Arrive, and Commit:
Anyone may apply for admittance to the United States. We will accept applications on a first come first served basis and place them in two queues, one for applicants sponsored by a U.S. employer or citizen, and one for the non-sponsored.
We will admit 1 Million applicants from each queue the first year. This is about twice the number of individuals that are currently allowed into the United States annually. In subsequent years, we will increase admittance by 0.5 Million annually, equally divided between the two queues, until the demand is satisfied.
Individuals who are already unofficially in the country may, and I’m sure will, apply as well. Those who can provide proof of residence one year before the ‘Welcome Home’ initiative becomes law will be granted a special exemption allowing them to stay in the country while waiting for official admittance.
Once admitted, an individual is free to enter the country. To demonstrate a commitment to ‘coming home’, we will not make any federal assistance available to newcomers, be it education, healthcare, welfare, or other entitlements. State and local authorities may provide assistance if their inhabitants so choose, as may businesses and religious and other charitable organizations.
This rule applies to individuals who are unofficially in the country as well. They will have a choice: apply, arrive officially, and forego any federal support they may currently be receiving, or continue to live in fear in the shadows.
Five years after arrival, individuals are eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship. Once their application has been approved and they have taken the oath, they have all the rights of a U.S. citizen, including the right to vote and the right to benefit from any federal programs that may still be in existence.
“I and my administration will work closely with Congress to make ‘Welcome Home’ a roaring success. Joining me here today are Representative X and Senator Y who will head the congressional ‘Welcome Home’ caucus. As they will tell you, they have already received commitments from [insert number] members of both sides, and the numbers are increasing by the day. We expect that ‘Welcome Home’ will become law before the end of this legislative session.
“We have also engaged our business and charitable communities of which you see but a few representatives here [introduce a broad spectrum of representatives from prominent businesses and religious and other charitable organizations]. These and many others organizations across the country have pledged their support of the “Welcome Wagon”, a charitable initiative that will assist our newcomers with healthcare, education and other essentials that initially may be hard to come by.
“The ‘Welcome Home’ initiative will finally allow us to put past divisions behind us, and unleash the creative potential of all Americans, regardless of birthplace, when brought under one roof, the United States of America. I’m sure you are as excited as I am.”
Now, all that is missing is a theme song. But wait, here are a few to choose from courtesy of T-Mobile (the last one gets my vote).